Tuesday, October 25, 2005


I feel stuck to my computer and phone, wanting to be present in someone elses mind. Tonight is null and void within my mental montage, and I am seeking refuge.

Distractions can be life rafts, and I am always reaching out for one. I am stranded in my sea of "goals" and want desperately to be transported out of this cold, vast reality. The more knowledge I gain, the more helpless I feel.

Hell, I have always had a reason, to smother my ambitions. It is only me playing tricks on myself. I am the houdini of happiness, turning the rose into a snake. Finally, in my life I feel sane and on the right track. I just don't trust time and space never felt fit for me. I am in awe of those whose provisins panned out. My provisions have been fettered off course, never to be realized as they were conceived. I suppose it makes things more interesting, adding that element of the unexpected. But surprises are stressful, and that can make the moments seem surreal, never really taken for what they are. Still, I believe these are the things that strengthen the character. If I lived, but only a day in my life, I would choose the one that held me to my wits.
With that being my motto, I feel strappped to the mundane. Superimposed into a world that suits the people I love. I have a conclusion to me. The introduction is constantly improvised, and the body doesn't suit many readers. It's the kind of experience that can only be relished in opportune time of the spirit, hopefully inspirational, yet tranparent of universal truth.

NOw is my test of the present. How can I exist in the moment. Capture the future through utilizing the very minute I draw breath. It is the essence of the concept that creates a claustraphobic reaction to my person. One moment, drawn in around me, cutting off a supply. What is now is real, what was is distorted and what will be is magnificent. But now is here, quiet, still, crowded. Allow myself to sleep. Dream....transcend the physical barriers, the conscience of limitations.

I haven't allowed myself more than 5 hours sleep in I don't know how long.



Blogger Impulsivecompulsive said...

present vs future...enjoying the moment vs slogging through the repetitive shit that will someday, hopefully, get you, somewhere....and not even knowing if somewhere is going to be where you want to be.
Yeah, I never have these problems.

10:36 AM  

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