Shadow of a Doubt

Occupying Latitude

2006-11-25T03:07:00.000-08:00

"Be the Change you Wish to See in The World"

or: "Become financially, emotionally, and professionally disabled in Being the Change You Wish to See in The World."

In the first sentence, I assume that "The World" is, whatever you perceive your domain or connections to what you foremost occupy. So, for simplicity's sake, we shall it call it your daily life.

In the "life", is the best we can hope for a domino effect that puts your example out there for people to encounter and to get encouraged.

And by this "example" are we concluding it is what you "sacrifice".

And by what you "sacrifice", are we talking about your opportunity costs. What you could benefit by utilizing that time, oh precious time, and money and whatever other resource you have to manufacture a future.

And by "benefits" are we describing what values are contained within any other motivation that may be the paramount factor in your actions, or any other subsequent decisions that underlye these motivations.

Because.............

if your gonna "live your principles" or be whatever you want everyone else to be, you gotta have some SERIOUS PATIENCE.

Because there are no memo's on your moral agenda. People can't be held accountable if they don't osmotically keep pace with the progression.

No one can be expected to........

And in knowing that, do you run? How little or much do you give to what you believe?

If it is "love" that is deserving of the ultimate sacrifices (not just in theory but in cultural construction), can love be constricted by limitations.

Now I am not talking about the love where you buy flowers and hump like rabbits. I am talking about the deep desire to feed everything around you with the unabashedly, all encompassing extension of gratitiude and fortitude that is the very basis of our being. It is how we continue on this species. We would take multiple bullets for the next.

Is it in that ideal and reality that we find we can never part with the desire to eliminate the suffering that we endured, since an integral knowledge exists that we were spared a certain suffering from someone who conciously eradicted that injustice, fearing its spread and continuation to the legacy of our lives.

And in this context, should being unsupported and derailed by a few who were thought to belong to this vision be a deterrent to contributing to that ultimate result?

Especially since the result acknowledges no end,

And seemingly,
poetically,
manifests itself
into the journey.

I

2006-08-26T23:43:00.000-07:00

Time Management 101

2006-08-13T00:18:00.000-07:00

According to my new schedule I should be in bed. I have a 12 hour shift tomorrow plus laundry and a common room floor to clean. Did I mention my 2 year old is claiming revenge on me. That's right. I am falling short on how fast and frequent I can produce sugar and the Dora da splorer products.

But back to being in bed. I don't want to go to bed. I want to finish off the rum in my freezer from two Christmas's ago. I want to read blogs about atheism and watch comedy hour and dream about starting a mother sports Saturday, since all the soccer fields, tennis, and basket ball courts are right next to a play ground, Women in the hood' can join in for games and our kids can watch at the playground. When we are on the bench, we will be watching the kids climb the monkey bars.

But really, I gotta do this. I only have Saturday with my kid. And as I stroll by the field and schools I see the men out there producin' there endorphins while my kid screams to go play on the slide. " No we can't, we gotta get bandaids, T.P. and laundry detergent. We'll stop by there after the library."

Damn I forgot the laundry detergent trying to pry you from that damn Garfield in a convertable dollar ride with all its flashy lights.

Our Saturday sucked. I took her on a boat cruise. She just wanted to spit in the water to distract me from her eventual huckin' her whole body into the water. Kids just want to let loose. And so do I. We have that in common.

My daughter is really amazing though. She can sit through 3 hour meetings of juvenille bureaucrats. Children want to play with other kids. They want to see action. You take them to a mall, any active mind can only interact in the possible avenue that is available. To want.

This post is really to declare my intentiont to start the women/kid sport day. In an effort to save everyone's sanity and to have some fun. Shopping isn't a pastime. I hope I can get enough agreement with this. She can't make a basket...yet.

In the school of life, there are no paid instructors

2006-07-17T02:10:00.000-07:00

So, here I am, got off work an hour ago. Gandharvas repeating on my Windows Media Player, neighbor upstairs tapdancing or some such thing, and I am thinking, breathing and thinking.

My phone is disconnected. Nothing announces your a broke ass disorganized citizen like your phone being cut off. Luckily I have my trusty pay as you go telus cellular so people can leave messages saying that either they don't know how to dial, or there is something straaaaaaaaange going on with your phone line.

Well guess what? I didn't get around to paying the damn thing. The truth? I can't keep up with everything I have plunked myself into. My summer break from school has turned into me treading water in my multi-faceted life where I try to juggle a child, 2 part-time serving jobs, a volunteer committment at a botanical garden and restructuring a student union while trying to start a non-profit organization of my own with a girl who just totally flaked out on me. Not to mention the tasks for the co-op housing board. In the wee hours and on my breaks I search the internet to search for day time employment for a non-profit as I am about to kill the next person who asks me the difference between the Roast Lamb and the Grilled Chicken Breast.

I thought I would learn networking and communication skills. What I learned out of all of this is:

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.

Why is this the hardest thing to learn? I want to stereotype this behaviour but I will refrain.

Okay, now that I read over the above paragraph it isn't so bad. I expect for me to be super multitasker, stretching myself thin because once I am done school, I don't want to work for anyone else........for that long. I want to be creative and passionate and drive my wealth through the advocation of social justice.

Can that even be done? Is that possible? Profiting off of fair, equitable society.
Of course there is. There has to be. The key, the elements to avoid the pits: DO NOT become impaled in the disappointments.

Shit will go wrong. People will lie and at times you will lose. Bad things come in threes, but some have relayed to me so does good.

Never trust too much, but when you do and you get burned, don't take anything personally.
Everything is a lesson. It is cliche, but really, sometimes reading and memorizing does not internalize the consequence. Sometimes only the experience can accomplish this.

I find we all kind of go around in this bubble of denial. We act as though using caution or awareness can be unnatural, almost paranoid. I personally loathe the kind of maintence material objects require. My car, this computer; Why should they warrant so much of my time?

Assuming responsibility has been a struggle. Probably because I have had some far sooner than I would have imagined. There is stilll this peice of me that just wants to get shitfaced, ball you out, smoke all your weed and learn to drive standard in your shiny restored bug.

There is another part of me that wants to roll into the parlimament building and remind the house that Stephen Harper is the symbol of Canada's biggest sellout. Well, that would of been Mulrooney. Same shit different pile. My father keeps slurrring to me that he once heard that every generation should live through a conservative government.

I can't help but think it's true. Fear is the greatest motivater. It is like that movie with Michael Douglas, The Game. If you haven't seen it, do.

Now, how do I motivate myself into fearing the bill collectors? After 3 years of student loans with a dependent, their 100 bucks seems like chump change. I laugh in the phase of your puny demands. Talk to me when my daughter can't pronounce the bottom line.

The point of this post, is to gain a point. I will summarize with this insight.

If you can't stop and smell the roses, at least check your temperature gauge to see if you are over heating....before your engine blows.

A Call to Feminism

2006-07-04T00:20:00.000-07:00

Looking back at the past 7 days, I have come to realize one thing...well besides that a week has passed.

WOMEN OF THE WORLD, WE ARE IN DAMN TROUBLE. Well no, that I already knew.

I CAN'T SIT IDLY BY AND WATCH THE SHIT FLY, and then splat me in the fuckin' face.

Let's review a diary of the past week's events, and then you can decide.

Tuesday, June 26th
Go out dancing at favorite gay bar that is having a straight night. At the end of the night I am milling around outside with friends and random person. Random person is chatting up my friend Zach who's looking for a boy to take home. I ask Zach what he looks for in a man. He says an 8. We all have a chuckle. Random person responds, "oh, I gotta ten". My girlfriend Sarah asks random person if he is gay. Random person shoves her a good five feet. After I jump in to 4 foot Sarah's aid, 5 onlookers are pulling Random person off me as he pounds my head against a Van.

Wednesday, June 27th
I am attending a speakers panel hosted by Vancity and BC co-operative association that has featured an economist from the University of Bolgna and Avi Lewis, son of Stephen Lewis. He is well known as producer of the newly released documentry "The Take". Three hundred people are attending and it is safe to say half the audience are women. After each guest speaker lectures about the economics of global justice the audience is invited to ask questions. Immediately 5 men bolt to the mic. I think in my hungover, sketchy head how sad it is to see no women approaching. A discussion commences amongst the guest speakers with CBC commentator Bill Richards. After a bit of debating between the men on how best to solve the "globalisation crisis", Avi Lewis declares he has a gender equality policy even when it comes to speaking at the mic. Everyone looks around dumbfounded. 20 seconds go by and no women get up. So, I bolt up and run to the mic followed by applause. My heart is pounding erratically as I realize how many eyes are now upon me. I march past 4 men and take my place at the mic behind the first man in line to speak. She has courage, i hear whispered. Interesting, cuz I feel more embarassed than couragous. First of all, this is just fucking pathetic. I am glad that Avi challenged us that day. And knowing how his father champions the UN on behalf of women so that most of the worlds problem can be addressed I can see where he is coming from. He was "invited" to speak at that event. Out of the 5 people to speak, the president of the Board of Vancity was a woman. But, as I leave that ballroom of the Fairmont Hotel on Water Street, I get a sinking feeling in my gut imagining my daughter being there beside me. Now, she is still a child. I left feeling still a child.

Monday, July 3

I return home from a day of enjoying the sun with friends. I return home to my complex to be pounced on by half a dozen children yelling at me that Avista had a knife. Avista is 3. I ask her 7 year old brother where there parents are. He says he doesn't know. " Well, who is watching you?" Ralph. So I go to find my other neighbor Ralph who is not home. I get Ralph's daughter to go in the house and pull out a parent. Her mother emerges saying she was having a nap and no one asked her to watch the Avista and her brother. I then go right next door to Ralph where Avista lives. The door is wide open and after a minute of me calling "Anyone home" no one responds. Alright. This isn't the first time, or even the second that this shit has happened. Hell, everyone in this complex has a story about how they almost saw Avista get run down by a car. So, off I trot to call the police. As I walk past the elevator, I hear it close behind me. I turn around to see Avista's Dad going into their apartment. So, I turn on my heels after him to give him a piece of my mind. Out comes the mom as well. It end with him shouting at me never to come to there wide open door again, and me saying next time it won't be me at the door it will be the"authorities"... And he knows the authorities. The same peeps that come by to arrest him after he kicks the shit out of his wife.

Now, I am kickin myself cuz' not only have I not helped the kids, but I put my daugher and self at risk. But then a neighbor who's dealt with them over a hundred times tells me the whole complex has been threatened by him before and we make fun of the "authorities". We decide we will all ban together to scare the shit out of these asshole parents. And the authorities will contact them in the form of child welfare.

July 4th, Tuesday 1:08 a.m.

America, fuck yeah!

Read Impulisves post. WILL LEARN TO POST LINK LATER. Reminded that REAL women don't go topless. REAL women wear underwire bras that you can fill with water. REAL women fight against same-sex marriage and federal funding to women's support services. REAL women don't eat pussy, they act like pussy's. Okay, that was a bit harsh. REAL women control pussy's, I mean the birth canal.

So if there is anything I would like to say after celebrating the birthday's of those countries occupying the North American continent. The one continent that I regularly contemplate, being as I have lived here my whole life, Where the fuck did we go wrong? Where the fuck did our affluent asses get off using our democratic powers to such perversion? Is the left just lazy? What is it about war and three second policy plans that seem like such a good idea? Oh, that's right. It is about the family. Ask any realist these days. They have their own f words. Family, Fear, FOX network. Fox networking feeding the family fear.

Canada, what is your damn excuse?

Seems the more communacative tools we aquire, the worse our paranoia pimples. This country has turned into a pre-pubscent teenager with acne hoping to get a date to the dance. The more we fret, the worse we look.

Ah, well. Observations aside, I shall not lose hope. Hell, I am only getting started.

COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING

2006-05-18T00:30:00.000-07:00

A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
A loss of interest in judging other people.
A loss of interest in judging self.
A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
A loss of interest in conflict.
A loss of ability to worry (this is a very serious symptom).
Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
Frequent attacks of smiling.
An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to
extend it.

DIAGNOSIS: INTERNAL PEACE
AFFECTS 1 IN A MILLION

Born into Money

2006-03-20T01:10:00.000-08:00

If money was never an obstacle in how you conducted your life, what kind of person would you be?

More importantly, for those people where this is actually their reality, Why don't they give a shit about those who don't have that opportunity?

I had an insight into this tonight as a close friend of mine dropped by. She was just visiting Vegas on the tab of a man who tried to pick her up there a year ago when she was there for a dental conference. This man is the son of some top dog defence lawyer from L.A. In the four days she had visited, he had dropped over 10 g's just wining and dining or thrill seeking as she called it.

I asked her what they talked about, and she said "Talked about what we were doing". Mainly I was interested in the substance of the conversation as she is a girl who grew up on Vancouver Island and he is some rich kid who party's on Daddy's tab 24/7 or when he is not "earning" his MBA.

Well, I'd have to say that I learned something I will never forget from asking that question. See, I don't hang with anyone who makes over 30 g's annually, so for me it is a subject I am totally ignorant on, trying to relate to anyone who is rolling in dough while I am just trying to figure out how to manipulate the system.

Anyway, the insight I recieved was priceless, I believe if the anti-capitalist movement is ever going to gain momentum.

It would seem that people with loads of money in all sense of the word live in the present. They can grasp the moment like a baby to breast, because everything they need is right there. If they run out of conversation, you just drop some money to instigate a thrill. I guess it would be like a constant orgasm, stimulation all the time. How distracting from the world would that be. You really would be outside of the events of the world, since any time you didn't like what was going on, it would be so easy for you to distract yourself. The masses use television, movies, hotdogs, chips, chocolate, weed, sex, alcohol..... you name it. What is your vice?
But if you could have it all or anything, the poison would overwhelm.

AND TONIGHT I CAN HONESTLY BE GRATEFUL FOR MY INSECURE FINANCIAL SITUATION. TONIGHT I CAN REST ON THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO LOOK BEYOND WHAT MONEY CAN BUY TO FIND MEANING INTO THIS CHAOTIC INJUSTICE WE CALL LIFE.

*sip* sparkling white wine..........sugary bubbly goodness.

Culture Vulture

2006-02-26T22:56:00.000-08:00

The actual revelation struck me yesterday while eating at my new favorite restaurant, a yummy Jamaican restaurant. That being I want to belong to any community, and every community. Minus the no job, scrag smoking, drop out community that I was an honourary member of prior to my escape from the island.

An escape it truly was. The family members that could of helped me thought I could never afford to move away and scoffed of my grandiose plans to move the big city. My first thought in reaction to their comments was, "If 2 million people managed to make it there and survive, I am sure that the odds are in my favour." Allbeit I was apart of that lethargic community, but still, I wore a I'M NEW AND TRYING pin to gather the funds. It didn't look all talk no walk. Again, I have a point, which is: My community was about being lesser than everyone else. Reality meant you accept this as fact or your are an even bigger fool then you claim not to be.

So, now I find myself to be an identity chaser. I just enjoy everyone else's experience far more than my own. But, something has to motivate people to direct their lives to helping other people out. If not money, talent or lack of education to settle you into a career, what gives people the inclination to dedicate themselves to that niche? I guess for me it is trying to gain a broader perception than the narrow one I was born into. To me, the more perspectives I gather, the greater the inspiration which leaves me feeling a wealth of knowledge in the human experience. And if you at all believe in an after life, it would seem these are the things you can actually take with you.

The plague of indifference

2006-01-07T02:14:00.000-08:00

"I refuse to vote. Because somehow, by not voting the pissing contest of the parties will dissolve under my protest of not participating."

The logic in this escapes me. But hey, it is a free country, even if you don't want to do your part to have it remain this way. Close your eyes, snug close to your boss, and enjoy your family on your holidays. Ignorance is bliss, and bliss is abundant.

As long as things go alright for you, than that is all that matters. But when maybe you notice your paycheque dwindling under the burden of tax shifts, or you can't get the treatment at the hospital that you damn well desperately need, then, then your might think to vote. Maybe you will inquire into the system while contemplating the injuries you have received from the authorities you neglected.

But in all this pondering on yourself, your biggest neglect is the similarity you failed to notice between you and that you choose to ignore. Perhaps you are perfect for politics; insidiously self involved.

Justice?

2005-12-21T21:47:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am sad or more angry than sad, but sad for not being more angry. My higher self can forgive and wish the best of those that have wronged me and those I love or even mildly feel compassion towards. Yet, there always looms that yearning for retribution. To see it all crumble in the name of justice. I know there is no justice in this world. And because many of us have this desire to make things "fair", I see that as a reason to embrace spirituality. Justice should be included in Maslows hierarchy of needs along with sex. It is just that we can never really accomplish that in this life.

You could stand around in awe wiping the drool tracing it's way down your chin, as your mind numbs in it's perplexity: How the hell do they get away with that? Just because they can, and you can't, or more accurately won't allow yourself, it can consume you. It will creep into your mind in the most unwelcome situations and remind you, throw you off your game: there are those out there who can fuck it all up, and will do so without a blink. Those same people will cruise along like a yacht outta calm waters, party and all. And all you can do is stand at the edge of the beach screaming, Why? What the.... this can't be. Curse, jinx and all that bullshit.

But there you are putting all your energy into their's. Straining to comprehend how this can occur and hating it's exsistence to the point that you have denied your own.

The root of all evil - and good

2005-12-04T01:07:00.000-08:00

I am going to go out on a limb here but.........

Corporations suck the life out of the system. We all have heard the argument and the reasons, and now we know to the extent.
How did we get ourselves into this mess?
Corporations operate under one law which simultaneously allows them to avoid many. So as it thinks it becomes.
Without any uncertainty a Corporation persists in its goals. Problem is that it assumes everyone else is out for the same reason. Or is it a problem. To those opposed of it's effects, yes. But this works just beautiful for the Corporation. The meaning of "Success" in developed countries, the accumulation of material wealth, perpetuates itself. There is never enough. Corporations that assert control in the global village have organized agendas, specific targets and mandates to get what they need to get done. They do their homework, and grasp the hearts and minds of those that they need to gather in their sphere of influence. When they take a hit, be it in their points or in public opinion, they don't get phased. They regroup, restrategize and become even more solid in their approach.
The model that Corporations operates under is the same model that is echoed to produce results in personal growth. If you create for yourself a vision, and nurture that vision, it will manifest itself. In that vision, there is no room for doubt, or you will have made that part of your vision, and in your results that will show. Your focuses will be realized, as long as you never play the part as the victim. In becoming a victim, you relinquish control.
It is in trying not to become the victim that we see Corporations " abusing " their power. Competition does encourage innovation. However, competition also creates a lack of co-operation. This is where the abuses are realized.
What the environmental movement needs is to emulate the Corporation to counteract the force with which it exerts itself. It doesn't matter what happened or to who or by who. At this point it is all about what is going to happen.
Corporations did a great job in showing us what the human spirit can accomplish. Even if it is accomplishing degradation and destruction. We can't ignore that with that was technology. Thanks, I will take your technology and combine it with the Caring Capital to create a system that is motivated by co-operation. And I truly believe we all really want this. But within our evolution, some parts we are just unlocking. The Corporation showed us the power we hold; that life is not accidental. We can steer our purpose, to avoid obstacles.
That will be the face of the environmental movement.

SEXSOMNIA - story stranger than title

2005-11-30T23:30:00.000-08:00

That's right, sexsomnia. A supposed sleep disorder that affects men, causing them to commit sexual assault in their sleep. Oh, no, I am not making this shit up. This was a good enough defense to acquit a 33 year old man from Toronto from sexual assault charges.

There isn't much I like about America these days, but I will mention the one thing that comes to mind. We gotta get electing our judges. First, we get too many morons in government creating the laws, we don't need the same morons appointing judges to interpret them. You should of got a look at the defense's "Doctor". The guy looked like that comic book store clerk from the Simpsons. Straight from Carolina. It didn't matter that this "theory" hadn't even been published in medical journals. If people can walk in their sleep, they sure has hell could and probably better with a woody and a power trip.

Now, this defense has women's centres a little worried, and has me fueled for Women Against Violence Day, Dec. 6. This little tid bit will have me reeling in the apathetic to our little candle light vigil and talk. Oh, this is only the beginning.

Okay, and then the evening news cuts into Stephen Harpers Quebec MP entourage. He has a press conference to introduce his candidates, whose names he doesn't bother to mention. When the media asks him at their photo op, he says, " My staff will have them." That little shit. Arrogant asshole. I think I should do a little sexsomnia to him.

"Like, I was sleeping and the next think I know, I have Harper bent over the back seat of his SUV doing him with a shoe horn. Well, imagine my surprise. You know, cuz if I was awake your honor I would, like, totally have that shoe horn up my bum. I always do."

Case closed

Out of my system

2005-11-29T15:20:00.001-08:00

Damn you stupid paper.

I hate your expectations, your confusion, your twisted limits. Your expulsion of my lazy time. Making my back crook over this plastic inertia of imagination.

I will compare thee. Compare thee to the crack in my ass, or the mole on this stupid person breathing beside me.

One thing in which we are alike. You came from the same feeble mindedness that has been bestowed on me to take this wretched course.

From now on, I vow to hire someone if I need a report or research. I will not subject myself to this torture any longer.

or any longer than it takes to get a stupid degree. Okay I demote myself to diploma.

December 15, where are you?

Out of my system

2005-11-29T15:20:00.000-08:00

Psyche Unplugged

2005-11-18T00:05:00.000-08:00

Breathe easy, resist the urge to spit upon the masses of extraneous egos surplanting their tentacles around you.

Mine was chewed up and swalled along time ago. Should I spoil every one elses fun.

Fun, lets touch on that for a moment, shall we. Fun doesn't fucking exsist. Every time I try to partake in some, a mutiny is made out of my precious release. I hate to say we need rules. However, people have become ruthless. In tow of their egos, noone is safe to enjoy the moment, for everyone wants to grab it is as theirs. Claim it like a parking spot on boxing day.

There is something to be said for ritual. First, there is respect for the moment and what it will stand for. Ceremonies. There will be dancing, eating, a good ol' talent show... more dancing..., and then some nasty. There you have it. None of this organizing on the go, galloping around a plethora of egos, and an inevitable scene. Hollywood, I hate you. Cable, don't even get me started. Susan Lucci/ Satan Lucifer. Do you see the connection here.

Now, again with ceremony or ritual, the origin of your motives will not be deterred. Fun is a buffet, and if someone spills the punch, there is more at the other end of the table. May 16th we will begin tradition. Plans may spoil, but carefully designed ceremonies will rise like the phoenix amongst the spectacle of haughtiness.

Life, death, and the shit in between

2005-11-04T23:53:00.000-08:00

I am convinced that I am not going to be allowed to get very far in life as we are supposed to achieve it. There is some evil force that is activating a agitation on anything I try to do that resembles normal. I am not going to be able to participate as a citizen of planet North American. Grappling with the rope of wealth, striving to eek out a retirement and a fairly recent toyota. Perhaps that is why I have chosen to study what I have. Subjects designed to change the course of history as Rex Weyler, founding greenpeace members refers to as.

A LIST OF NORMAL THINGS EVERYONE ELSE DOES THAT DO NOT JIVE IN MY LIFE:

DRIVING

SLEEPING AROUND

COUNTING ON FRIENDS

THINKING OF MYSELF FIRST

That is all I care to list at the moment. Basically paganism is off the list. I just get the feeling that trying to be normal and function in normal society is a pointless mode of exsistence since I will just be in collision with th consequences of consumer oriented society anyways.

I suppose I will just have to accept that I am not living for this life, but simply gaining insight into the next. Yes, I believe in a next. There is some people I just gotta see again.

Paralyzed

2005-10-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

I feel stuck to my computer and phone, wanting to be present in someone elses mind. Tonight is null and void within my mental montage, and I am seeking refuge.

Distractions can be life rafts, and I am always reaching out for one. I am stranded in my sea of "goals" and want desperately to be transported out of this cold, vast reality. The more knowledge I gain, the more helpless I feel.

Hell, I have always had a reason, to smother my ambitions. It is only me playing tricks on myself. I am the houdini of happiness, turning the rose into a snake. Finally, in my life I feel sane and on the right track. I just don't trust time and space never felt fit for me. I am in awe of those whose provisins panned out. My provisions have been fettered off course, never to be realized as they were conceived. I suppose it makes things more interesting, adding that element of the unexpected. But surprises are stressful, and that can make the moments seem surreal, never really taken for what they are. Still, I believe these are the things that strengthen the character. If I lived, but only a day in my life, I would choose the one that held me to my wits.
With that being my motto, I feel strappped to the mundane. Superimposed into a world that suits the people I love. I have a conclusion to me. The introduction is constantly improvised, and the body doesn't suit many readers. It's the kind of experience that can only be relished in opportune time of the spirit, hopefully inspirational, yet tranparent of universal truth.

NOw is my test of the present. How can I exist in the moment. Capture the future through utilizing the very minute I draw breath. It is the essence of the concept that creates a claustraphobic reaction to my person. One moment, drawn in around me, cutting off a supply. What is now is real, what was is distorted and what will be is magnificent. But now is here, quiet, still, crowded. Allow myself to sleep. Dream....transcend the physical barriers, the conscience of limitations.

I haven't allowed myself more than 5 hours sleep in I don't know how long.
sleeep.................................

I

Favorite Right-wing quote of the day

2005-10-23T21:43:00.000-07:00

"Teachers are like people who move near airports - they complain about the noise, yet knew the airport had a landing pad. What did they think when they entered the classroom; gee where did all these kid come from, now what do I do?" DJ (employer, conservative activist, hamn radio operator, compassion level 0, his take on politics- priceless)

Thought I would add a daily or bi-daily section to my blog, to add a little humour to an otherwise directionless blog. I might choose to do a weekly quote if I can't handle to be in contact with the "elite" too often.

Conspiracy theory #1

2005-10-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

I think that education is a plot to alienate the potential lower class leaders of tomorrow. I am alone, and bored, yet obligated to study. I have to study by myself. We have to read by ourselves. When we take the test, we need to do better than everyone in our class. This is done in solitude. Achievement is based on individual accomplishment. Until you have to do a stupid project with someone. You are too busy to get together to do the damn project, and you are trying to fuse things together.

We are segregated to absorb knoweledge and reproduce it individually at a specified duration. This is boring, and stupid and unrealistic of humans. We are social creatures. This is no secret. Yet we learn like caged animals.
I am over it.

If it is going to go down......

2005-10-16T00:34:00.001-07:00

It's going down like this. At some point we are going to take Kenny Rogers advice. This gamblers count'n her blessings. But this isn't going to end where I feel gratitude because of someones loss. End of story. Oh no. If there is one thing I can't stand, it is the tired story of the white man visiting poor country, returning, never to be the same. How exactly does that go, I wonder when I am told or read that tired line. What is changing. I know. It is that you grew a conscious. What a dispicable thing to have in a capitalist machine. Neither an asset or ally.

Is it that you question your purchases, or do you just cherish their abundance even more? And enjoying in the spirit of more than just yourself, or for those who never had the chance to be tempted into shopaholisism.

Worse am I, for I love chocolate. And I probably could sponsor a couple more children, if I just limited a quarter of my intake. So, here it is. My farewell to chocolate. My last remaining addiction, to be buried with marijuana, cigarettes, boos, self loathing and nosepicking. okay, I guess nosepicking will have to make a comeback. This is going to be bad. Especially when there is no sex for substitute. Should I buy a viber. a dildo made of chocolate.

Self-indulgence is for the weak. You know you gotta problem when your grocery shopping with your toddler, and she is pointing at cadbury's yelling mommies yummies, mummies yummies!
One less bar in the mouth, a week more of eating for a Haitian child. We are going down with a guilt trip.

Add a t to hear and whatdoyougot? HEART

2005-10-15T01:04:00.000-07:00

Well, if it is one thing the right has learned over the past 10 years is that the people like to be heard. The people like to get things off their chest and think they are being listened to. This helps alleviate pressure behind decisions authority makes that leave people in a worse position and pissed off. Yet they know, since voter turn out is so damn low, that that is all they have to do. Just pretend to hear. And then carry about business as usual. Take Ontario for example. The government has been engaged in dialogue with student reps about tuition freezes. No indication was made that it was not getting through to the gov. Yet, fall hits and so do larger fees. Student reps never saw it coming. Why would they, because they were being listened to. You stupid shits, I say. If you haven't learned anything about "realists" by now, then you don't deserve your money. All I am saying is we all got one common denominator. People just gotta realize how little it is we all really want, and that it is all the same thing. Students, teachers, enVironmentlists, unionists, - DEMOCRACY - Can you dig it?

Resurrect Marxism

2005-10-14T13:08:00.000-07:00

Mayday. That should strike a chord with all us overworked pieces of shite that invest hand over fist into corporate theives we call the government. Yet, I think it is lost on our generation. Perhaps it is because 30 percent of us live in our parents basement.

Sitting here hammering on this computer is all I can do, releasing an inner pressure building, while I realizing that the working class is under a hostile takeover. Take a unions right to strike, and you may have well castrated the lot. I should be waving banner.. hanging banners over the Legislature, fighting the good fight. We will not be drones to a province that seeks to control it's population through an elaborate design to create a large working class; tenants of the pot they piss in.

Yet here I sit, trying to convince myself to open up that book, "Think Democracy", so that I can ace the midterm next week. Locked in the hope that one day I can rub elbows with an elitist group of terriotorial sociopaths with the conscience of a virus.

When does the apathy devour us? When can intent create an apparition out of words?

Will anyone bring me bananas when I strand myself on a window ledge, to bring attention to the working class being pushed to the edge? Potassium will prevent the cramping.
I knew I took biology for a reason.

Yes, this is the year 2005

2005-10-08T00:06:00.000-07:00

Nanotechnology. I have had 2 hours sleep staying up, reading about the marvel of artificial intelligence. Robotic DNA you say?
Which leads me to the next question, Why the hell am I taking a ferry tomorrow? If I am not to be beamed, I should at least be wearing a jetpack or something.

upside down and inside out. We can birth human in synthetic wombs, yet we can't master transporting humans with efficiency.

Ahhhh, wait I get it. First build the army, then let the buggers figure out this mobility issue. Billions of microcopic heads are better than... millions of irrational ones.

The Autumn in my Mind

2005-10-07T01:14:00.000-07:00

Put to shame, daring afterthoughts
tainted by brash colors, A seasonal kinesis.

I join abruptly, unforseen expanses
and wait, alone, for what seems decades.

How obliged is the color red?

To clearly sneak into mundane circumstances.
Proclaiming the brilliance of a finale of freshness.
I too can take on hues,

but somehow it eludes to something forsaken,
and despaired, alway regretted.

Unlike that which sews our souls,
creating through the decay,

one more chance to be Bold.

Santa should try Fasting

2005-10-04T20:45:00.000-07:00

Why am I more thrilled about Rammadan then Christmas? This might be an odd question if I was in fact muslim, but it does pertain because I am a self professed Christian. How can fasting all day be more attractive to me then pigging out for a month, and buying myself into debt?

I know, perhaps it is because, I am currently sick and my neighbors thoughtfully brought me soup rather than butter and sugar baked golden brown with a little cherry shrivelled on the top. It could also be the absence of bombarding images of little ornaments made in sweatshops, and a frenzy of vehicles searching to appease the one day climax ended in a pile of colored paper and plastic.

It's no secret that Christmas has seemed to lose the legacy of uniting families and celebrating the birth of the saviour. At least for most. The Season for giving has turned into the Season of Profit, for some, and dreaded bank statements for most.

I suppose when I think about what is most in need, I remeber the earth, from which we take so much and leave so little. The earth could probably use a holiday. Christmas only seeks to exacerbate the fact, where Rammadan lends it a hand.

Profuse Pain

2005-10-04T20:35:00.000-07:00

It is never as it seems,

and even though it can be happening right in front of you,

you can export experience into other realms,

and suddenly it isn't so bad,

and who would actually be so numb, dumb...

pain disguises, in darkness, and secrecy,

never so blatant and bold, because it doesn't want to be discovered,

But I keep forgetting, pain feeds denial.

And the two fuse,

as anti-matter and organics,

exploding into soundwaves, deafening the universe.

Where did it come from? more importantly how does it end.

Ode to my dishwasher

2005-09-28T22:47:00.000-07:00

*whir* whizzz, wump!
dishes thrown in a lump

dandy little contraption made everything clean
now i am left to manually sheen

cannot take the sink piling high,
creating a tower for the fruit flies,

I regretfully pour in some lemon soap,
to wipe crusties off plates while I mope.

forsaking convienience, for the sake of the earth,
who am I kidding, I am just being thrifty

2005-09-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

Well,
can't say I haven't had a hard time picking an address. Malediction has been taken. This one truly encompasses what this blog is supposed to be about. Oh well, guess I will have to save it for the rock band. Mother daughter rock band. Of course we will have hot guys playing guitar and cowbells. Preferably Will Farrell on cow bell. Daughter and I will be choosing the instruments in the next couple of years. Okay, gonna let this go for a while, as I have an article to write about social injustice. Much like what our songs will be about. Poetry Prowess is the best I can do, at least for now the address will motivate me to write songs.

I make too many promises

2005-09-24T23:59:00.000-07:00

Do I intend to Keep?